Focus on the Children

While it’s good in concept, if you’re dealing with someone that is out for revenge (and suffers from a Cluster B PD which I’ll talk about), this is out of the question. What the children need or want goes away.

I’m sharing the Children’s Bill of Rights from this site because it is poignant that it be addressed in all aspects of the divorce. If this is addressed first, the monetary issues go away:

  • The right not to be asked or expected to choose sides or be put in a situation where I would have to take one parent’s side against the other.
  • The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or negotiating chip.
  • The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
  • The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
  • The right to not be a messenger.
  • The right to express my feelings.
  • The right to ample visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
  • The right to love and have a relationship with both parents equally, without being made to feel guilty.
  • The right to not hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
  • The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support, if at all possible that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
  • The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
  • The right to maintain my status as a child and not be expected to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well-being.
  • The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support for me and them when needed.
  • The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
  • The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.

What Have I Learned So Far?

There is no equality or equitability in Family Court. In some form or fashion, the man has taken advantage of the female. No matter your intellect, drive, success, hours, personality, or various resources, a man has only accomplished these things thru the sacrifice of the woman and not vice versa.

Although against the law, the court will do everything in its power to minimize the role of the man. It will also diminish resources to bring the woman above an equal ground.

If a Guardian ad Litem is involved, they are ill-prepared to handle any personality disorders. They are also stringently sexist.

The Family Court system is not trained to handle personality disorders.

There is no consideration for the children once the proceedings go before the Family Court system. They become the ultimate decider and strip all rights away from the children. It’s an abusive system.

Men generally are seen as a paycheck and not a parent. Even after resources are depleted, the man is responsible for any financial shortcomings. Even if it means he ends up impoverished and no longer sees his children.

Attempting to settle the dissolution between the two parties and drafting up terms is seen as an effort at control and potential abuse. Forget that using the Family Court system as a means of revenge is in parallel to what you’re being accused of.

Negotiating capabilities are completely removed. Feelings trump facts. The Family Court system is going to right a societal or perceived wrongdoing.

There is no such thing as an involved father. This is a mythical creature.

There were no good times in the marriage. Only bad times. For years or decades. And the woman was held hostage all while ignoring the thousands of resources available to protect her and the select few that exist for men.

Even if both parties agree the marriage is irretrievably broken and both petitions are in agreement, once Family Court is involved, months or years will pass. Thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of dollars will be spent. Hours of your life and mental and emotional well-being will be lost.

Family Court doesn’t follow the law? Don’t think you’re getting a fair trial? Good luck unless you have more money and an excessive amount of time. This is why some men walk away and never see their kids, live on the street or commit suicide. But then again, they weren’t the victim.

Have You Lost Your Damn Mind?

Yep!

Well, sort of. Here’s what is going on. The Family Court system is an abusive, multi-billion dollar a year behemoth. It’s constantly used to demote men the majority of the time. Some women who go thru this system do suffer its consequences however men are the usual victims.

Florida is a “no fault divorce” state. This means that if both parties agree the marriage is over, the proper forms are filed and the process starts. You would think the term “no fault” would help improve the process and make things much more streamlined. The marriage is agreed to be over by both thru the dissolution disclosures. Uncontested or contested, this was supposed to help settle fault and remote litigation. It rarely happens.

Such is what happened in my case. I filed after hearing that in 6 months of separation, the ex-wife was going to take advantage of the fact I was paying her bills to help her get established and then “take me down.” Within that time, I had given 3 offers to settle custody and finances. Not a single response to any of them. During that time, there was even a DUI and two vehicle wrecks by her.

In another post, I’ll delve further on the happenings of my case and the outcome of the ludicrous court trials and accusations.

For now, the court allows the system to abuse mostly men. Most divorces are initiated by women and then in response most men file uncontested. At that point, your rights are stripped. Any and all allegations can be made and due process goes out the window.

Money becomes the central issue. Once the financial affidavit is filed, it is game on. In Florida if you have a gross income over $50k, that means there’s blood to let. Any attorney you speak with has another financial form they ask you to fill out regarding income and assets.

If you’re going thru a divorce with someone who is an adult and rational, I congratulate you. But if that other person feels slighted or, in my case, has a Cluster B Personality Disorder (that’s another post later), hold on to your hat. You are in for a ride and the lawyers will be foaming at the mouth.

The courts willingly open their arms for these type of conflicts. Hours of attorneys fees, contracted specialists, hearings and trials. All part of an industry that has no accountability. And if you’re a man, just know that the thinking of this system is about 25 years behind. You’re now a paycheck and no longer a person. In this new era of #MeToo, the prevalence of Toxic Masculinity seems to take men and put them on a lower tier of society. And this system we’re going thru now welcomes that fact.

Constitutional rights and Due Process are gone. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness? Figments of history. That financial affidavit you filed? Guess what it’s doing? Being reviewed by everyone with a hand out ready to take a piece. During my research on these topics as I go thru this arduous process, once you’re up in the 6-figures, a judge will absolutely throw case law and statutes out the window. They’ll make a decision regardless of what is right ethically and morally and you have to hope you have the funds to move to a higher court.

Then the time sets in. This process rolls on for months or possibly years. And if it’s heard, get ready to spend more to recenter things but even that isn’t guaranteed.

I’m going to link case law and articles I found regarding finances, distribution and custody. My case is one in which everything that’s been decided before in previous cases has been decided but a politically appointed and uneducated judge is doing whatever she wants. She’ll be named and her connections listed. She’s had several cases over the past 2 years reassessed that would cause any civil rights attorneys to shiver.

It’s time to hold these people to account. The Family Court judges and attorneys are a tight-knit network. They know each other. There’s gatherings quite frequently where the bourgeoisie rub elbows while at the same time taking the common man (and occasionally woman) down. It’s a system where rights are ignored and unfounded accusations are taken at face value.

If I can help one man going thru this system and who is being abused, I will feel whole. There’s too many of us being pushed to the side, battered, beaten and having our kids taken away. Follow the money and you will see exactly where this all leads.

In closing, I leave you this. Let this be a call-to-arms. It’s time to start a revolution:

650 Days

September 5th, 6th, and 7th, 2017. The day I learned speaking the truth revealed exactly what my marriage was about. 650 days. This is the amount of time the hurt and conflict has been going on.

I’m not a perfect man and made mistakes. As a young teen and going in to your 20s, there’s no way this can be true. Getting a career and having kids changed this perspective almost immediately. Humans are fallible creatures. And this goes to both parties in a marriage. There is responsibility by both people.

September 5th. Coming home from an outing with friends and laying in bed, reality set in. The years and issues that arose was developing this huge chasm between us. And then the question was asked “do you still love me?” I froze and didn’t want to answer. I even said as much but for hours I was harassed to give a response. And when I did, that instant blew up.

“I think you can be a great person and good mother and I love you as a person but the in love part has gone away.” That is all it took. The next hours were a back and forth, accusations, rehashing of issues already addressed and then the same threats of my parent’s marriage and how I would end up a loser. The threat of removing the girls from my life.

September 6th. After exhaustion set in and sleeping for maybe 1 hour, the oldest goes to school. Looks of disgust and anger. The youngest goes to school. I work from home and carry on with my day. I promised to talk about it later and she went to her salon. But this was part of the lie that had been developed for years.

My oldest daughter calls me crying and both are in hysterics. They’re on the road outside of a small Florida town heading to Georgia. I ask to speak to their mom and she tells the girls that because their father doesn’t love her anymore, they are going away. I tell her she needs to stop and that she’s using the kids and kidnapping them. I tell her this shouldn’t be going on and we should talk first. The phone hangs up. I call again and tell the kids to relax and that they’ll come home. Numerous calls from friends to her but it takes hours to convince her to come back.

The tension is back and the same looks are there. There’s no discussion, just words of the vows we took and that it means forever. I said sure but when one party of the two refuses to change, how can it be repaired. Add in the fact the kids were removed from school to head to Georgia and that seals it.

September 7th. The next day the same thing happens. She takes the phones away from the girls so they cannot contact me. I find out from my friend and neighbor that she heard over a phone call with her aunt, we’ll call her Ester, that they are going to ruin Jason financially and take him out. My friend says if I have anything liquid to move it fast. I do that and isolate myself. The aunt calls me after my ex-wife tries to use her debit card to buy fuel. “You’ve made a mistake and you’re going to pay. This is going to look bad on you.” “Sorry Ester but taking my kids and then threatening me will look even worse.” She still has her credit cards which are active and carry no balances but that doesn’t matter because she can’t spend cash.

September 8th. I find out from my oldest that her grandmother asks her who she wants to live with. She doesn’t answer but the grandmother says “if your daddy was smart, he would move back here to Georgia so that he could see you.” This terrifies my oldest. All this comes to me after what happens next.

I don’t hear from the kids for days. And that is when Hurricane Irma is approaching. I’m left to board the house and take care of the animals. September 9, 2017 is when people start to leave.

September 10, 2017 the storm hits. I get a simple text to be careful of the storm and she’s thinking of me. This was a cover. I later find out that in front of my daughters, they are calling attorneys in the Atlanta area to find a way to keep the girls up in Georgia and try to divorce me there.

Power is gone for a couple days and I get a call that she wants to come back down. I ask her to wait because there’s going to be traffic and cleanup going on. She leaves Georgia anyway and gets back in the middle of the night. I get huge hugs from the girls. The next day during cleanup, I get berated outside. She threatens with taking everything I have and taking the kids. The same line of “I’m going to make you a loser like your father” comes up. It’s the same dagger of my parents divorce used against me. I tell her we can come to an agreement and don’t need to be dirty. She disagrees and said she is going to ruin me. She tells the girls that their father is ruining the family and is going to hurt them.

650 days. No end in sight because the girls are being used as leverage. Her aunt notoriously calls herself the “Queen of Divorce.” Not a moniker that should be endearing but when vengeance is the goal, graciousness goes out the window.

The truth is supposed to set you free. In a way it did. It showed me the true colors of the person I was married to. The downside is that the utter destruction of me is the goal and the children are being used as pawns. The Family Court system is one that perpetuates abuse for all parties. When you’re a person who values getting one over on someone else, abuse is easy to use. Later blogs, I’ll lay out how the system turns a father in to a meaningless person, your rights are stripped away and the system is used to settle a personal vendetta.

A Voice to Be Heard

I’ve been quiet for too long

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Over the past 10 months, I have been seriously contemplating starting a blog documenting my course thru a divorce. I wanted to document what occurred as a simple therapeutic exercise but it now has become one of passion. The current state of affairs has gotten me to a point where I cannot be quiet any longer. I’ve held my tongue, done what I was ordered and been trying to cover myself, my children and future as best as I could.

The family court system in America is one of abuse. The children take a backseat to the gains of the legal system. Fathers are treated like 3rd class citizens. If you are successful, that success is used as a way to take you down. There is no idea of the individual but that of a collective.

I’ve slowly been educating myself on the legal rights I should have but what has been done to take them away from me. Fathers have the burden of proof to show they are parents. Instead, you have “educated” people using their experience, expertise and resources to do what is right, not just in the law but for children. I was hesitant about naming individuals but based on legal happenings and news events, I want to bring people to light. It’s time for change.

As I work on this blog, I will be generating quite a lot of posts that illustrate the way I have been treated, how my children have be left in despair, and a future left at the decision of someone in a black robe.

I want this to be a resource for other fathers out there. You aren’t alone. I’m in Florida but I see it across the country. It’s time to show that fathers, and men for that matter, are equal and not the throw away sex that we are portrayed to be in the media and legal system.

Who are you?

I’m a man. I’m a son. I’m a father. I’m going thru a divorce. It’s all overwhelming but then I see who else is going thru this.

Why am I doing this?

  • It’s therapeutic for me in some capacity
  • I want to detail the issues going on in Family Court.
  • I want to help other fathers and men that will be going thru this
  • I want to change the system

I started with humble beginnings. Lower-middle class family. Moved from a small city to a big metro area. Then my parents divorced. It wasn’t clean. There was some nastiness. The kids were used. This was in the mid-80s.

Then I grew up. I had some adventures. I got to do some things in life. I met great people and some nefarious ones. I got in to trouble and then changed my life. I focused on me.
Then I thought I met a woman I could get married to. It just happened and then we had kids. Time went on and a career, life and more growing happened. As all these things intertwined, the two people who traded vows grew apart. Discussions got heated and then argumentative. Worlds grew even further apart and we weren’t even in the same universe as far as ambition, motivation, life and love.

The day I stated “I don’t love you anymore,” my world blew up. I was left and the kids removed. That’s when the true nature of someone became apparent.

Life is an evolution physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. If you can’t learn to merge together in these aspects with your partner, it’s doomed. That’s what happened to me.

Now, since September 5th, 2017, I have been living in a nightmare. I have been accused of things to gain leverage of a situation. Being a man, the Family Court system has been used to abuse me. It’s time for me to speak out and speak up so that I can help others.