The Kids Should Be the Focus

One thing I have learned thru the court system is that timesharing generally takes a backseat. Every conference with my lawyers or when discussing issues in the judge’s chambers ends up about being a monetary issue for my ex-wife.

The issue I have is that unless there is a mental or physical issue that keeps a person from working, then the kids should be the focus. The access to the parents, ability to participate in activities and interactions they had before a separation occurred should be the same after a filing.

Florida starts out the proceeding with spousal support to the under-earning spouse rather than focusing on the support for the kids. This is where the court system is still falling behind. They talk a good game about mediation, taking a parenting class and working together but the money issue is front and center. If you remove that, place the kids needs first, all that falls to the wayside.

38 states so far have passed laws making shared parenting (50/50) standard. There’s ambiguous laws in other states but these 38 states define it as exclusively as 50/50 unless there’s abuse, neglect, incest or criminal convictions. If there’s a disparity between incomes, negotiate costs for upbringing the kids and the issue is settled.

The problem is that there’s a 25-40 year old way of thinking about mostly females and their support needs. Depending on the industry, there’s around 51-53% overall female employment compared to male. Certain industries it’s higher male and others its drastically female. Employment isn’t an issue. If you then look at average wage based on US Census Bureau numbers, the median income nationwide is $61,000 per year. This number will vary by state and metropolitan area but this is an average a lot of states use. From there, then support could be discussed.

However with the archaic way of thinking and the drive of the feminist movement, absolute parity has to be forced. A forced outcome compared to allowing opportunities. While this happens, the kids are on the side waiting for things to settle. This is what keeps divorces with high-conflict individuals going for so long.

Now for the studies. As I stated, states are stuck in the past but some are catching up. Studies show that kids benefit greatly from the shared parental resources. It also mitigates a lot of issues.

Some interesting findings can be found online with a quick search but I’ve gathered some here:

https://ifstudies.org/blog/10-surprising-findings-on-shared-parenting-after-divorce-or-separation

So in all the studies, regardless of conflict levels, children benefit better with joint custody scenarios with the parents rather than one parent being the primary. Study after study after study shows that what lawyers, judges and most mothers think is best for the kids is WRONG! Kids benefit from both parents in their lives.

Here’s another link of some material that links to additional information and studies: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/benefits-of-shared-custody/

This is where the change needs to come. Focus on the kids, their development and best outcome and the rest of the issues are minimized. Give one parent the leverage of the kids, the rest is setup to be a constant and litigious battle.

Cluster B and Me!

I’ve mentioned a few times about Cluster B Personality Disorders. These are becoming a more prevalent issue in today’s society as more information is disseminated out and social media begins to have a grip around our necks.

So what are Cluster B Personality Disorders?

Just having a quirky personality, weird personality, narcissist or just general assholes aren’t part of this grouping. Generally speaking, Cluster B types have impulse issues, emotional issues and regulation issues.

Normally people are just the former issue rather than the latter. However, some people have issues addressing things or emotions and react in such severe ways they don’t quite understand themselves the impact they’re having. Most of these issues are caused due to a traumatic event in the early formative years that shapes their mental and emotional development. There’s a stunt to the growth, if you will. Critical thinking is halted and a regression takes hold.

Things are seen as all good or all bad. Black-and-white. There’s no middle ground. One day you’re a king, the next day you’re the most evil person in the world. To coincide with that, there’s degrees of severity to it also. Low, moderate and severe. Low severity usually can be overcome with age or some therapy. Moderate usually has therapy and severe takes a whole focus on resolving and years of work. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DPT) is what is used.

For years, I didn’t understand how in one instant I could be the worst human ever and then the next a champion. I chalked it up to age. She was extremely young when we met, never lived alone and was sheltered by her parents (to such an extreme that reflecting back you think “what was I thinking”). My glorification usually happened after some type of material object or desire was met. If there was anything that upset her, hours and days would go by with anger. Then things would be ok. There were a few instances where if I asked for help, she would lash out because “I said I would take care/pay for everything” or when I said “I’m not in love with you anymore,” the kids were forcibly extracted from here and whisked away to somewhere else.

Then there were abandonment issues. When I said “I do,” that meant it was supposed to be forever. No exceptions. I’ve been accused of trying to make her homeless, leaving her alone, trying to make her poor, etc. All the while she’s had a boyfriend and a funded salon (which will be another topic).

Where does this tie-in with the divorce and the Family Court system. Someone with these Cluster B PDs will perceive themselves as a victim. You are the abuser/aggressor. And this will be played up in court to an extreme. And it works exceptionally well because there’s a rationale that men are the predator and women are the prey and this is something we as men are doing to take advantage of the women.

But the perceived stereotype is wrong, it’s all an act because within the mind of someone with Cluster B PDs, the scenario they’re playing out has been repeated over and over that it is now real. Then that story is conveyed to the Family Court and attorneys with so much veracity, emotion and realism that it is taken at face value. Especially if it’s from a woman. If a man makes a similar claim, even with evidence, it’s doubted from the start.

And this is where the Family Court systems are ill-prepared. The judges and most lawyers (including GALs) haven’t been trained to deal with people, men and women, who have these type of PDs. It’s taken as truth and then “abuser” is then reprimanded usually with their rights completely stripped away.

This is my scenario. As I stated before, I thought the reactions to scenarios were maturity or being sheltered as a kid. But it kept going on for years, then over a decade and then it happened more and more. After filing for divorce and things blew up out of control and then being told “I was going to pay” or get taken down, I wanted to know what or why this was going on. I tried to make things fair and just so that we could equally take care of the kids but each offer was just tossed to the side. Zero communication. Zero counters. Police were repeatedly called. Then mediation and the first offer. Something so out of this world no reasonably minded person would take it. And then things ramped out quickly out of control.

After mediation I was told “Court is going to be my (her) best option.” And that’s when I knew this was going to be bad. And it spiraled in to misery from there.

And the Family Court system took it all in with open arms. “Another woman is a victim? We will fix that.” Every filing and motion she made was about money. I was kicked out of my home with 2.5 hours notice. Florida law states 24 hours but the judge didn’t care.

More motions for money. More money. Falsified financials. It kept going. The GAL helped to perpetuate the narrative of Jason the Abuser. She is the victim. Her story and accusations were left to be heard. To this day, none of my evidence has been seen or heard and no laws, higher court decisions or statutes in the state have been honored. Lawyers have changed on her side 3 times. We are now at a point where it’s in a hold which means no end in site. I’ve presented offers again and indicated the money and resources are gone and this is killing the kids. I ask to do what is best for the kids. Provide studies and evidence. No response.

To this day, the Family Court system is allowing the abuse to carry on. If you bring this up to the “professionals,” it’s almost immediately dismissed. But this problem has to be addressed at some point. And that is why I’m using this blog to show that when the kids are taken away as the focus, this systematic abuse for everyone occurs. And it won’t stop unless the money stops. The money stops when the kids are the focus.

Focus on the Children

While it’s good in concept, if you’re dealing with someone that is out for revenge (and suffers from a Cluster B PD which I’ll talk about), this is out of the question. What the children need or want goes away.

I’m sharing the Children’s Bill of Rights from this site because it is poignant that it be addressed in all aspects of the divorce. If this is addressed first, the monetary issues go away:

Children’s Bill of Rights in a Divorce

  • The right not to be asked or expected to choose sides or be put in a situation where I would have to take one parent’s side against the other.
  • The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or negotiating chip.
  • The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.
  • The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.
  • The right to not be a messenger.
  • The right to express my feelings.
  • The right to ample visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.
  • The right to love and have a relationship with both parents equally, without being made to feel guilty.
  • The right to not hear either parent say anything bad about the other.
  • The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support, if at all possible that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.
  • The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.
  • The right to maintain my status as a child and not be expected to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well-being.
  • The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support for me and them when needed.
  • The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.
  • The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.

What Have I Learned So Far?

There is no equality or equitability in Family Court. In some form or fashion, the man has taken advantage of the female. No matter your intellect, drive, success, hours, personality, or various resources, a man has only accomplished these things thru the sacrifice of the woman and not vice versa.

Although against the law, the court will do everything in its power to minimize the role of the man. It will also diminish resources to bring the woman above an equal ground.

If a Guardian ad Litem is involved, they are ill-prepared to handle any personality disorders. They are also stringently sexist.

The Family Court system is not trained to handle personality disorders.

There is no consideration for the children once the proceedings go before the Family Court system. They become the ultimate decider and strip all rights away from the children. It’s an abusive system.

Men generally are seen as a paycheck and not a parent. Even after resources are depleted, the man is responsible for any financial shortcomings. Even if it means he ends up impoverished and no longer sees his children.

Attempting to settle the dissolution between the two parties and drafting up terms is seen as an effort at control and potential abuse. Forget that using the Family Court system as a means of revenge is in parallel to what you’re being accused of.

Negotiating capabilities are completely removed. Feelings trump facts. The Family Court system is going to right a societal or perceived wrongdoing.

There is no such thing as an involved father. This is a mythical creature.

There were no good times in the marriage. Only bad times. For years or decades. And the woman was held hostage all while ignoring the thousands of resources available to protect her and the select few that exist for men.

Even if both parties agree the marriage is irretrievably broken and both petitions are in agreement, once Family Court is involved, months or years will pass. Thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of dollars will be spent. Hours of your life and mental and emotional well-being will be lost.

Family Court doesn’t follow the law? Don’t think you’re getting a fair trial? Good luck unless you have more money and an excessive amount of time. This is why some men walk away and never see their kids, live on the street or commit suicide. But then again, they weren’t the victim.