One of the hardest aspects someone can accept in life is that they should prioritize themselves. This isn’t in a selfish way. But if you’re invovled in some capacity to someone with Cluster B disorder, they will project towards you that what you’re doing is selfish.
In relationships I was in over many years, I would prioritize the needs and wants of the other person before myself. Many times it would be at my detriment. I continued this habit in to my marriage. I thought this is what a good spouse would do. Hopefully one day she’ll reciprocate. But that hopefully never came about.
Uncontrollable rage outbursts at me if I didn’t get something.
Guilting and shaming if I didn’t buy something because “you know it would be better for the kids” or “it’s not fair because I work too.”
Threats of destroying you if you did not relent.
Being a child of divorce, I did relent. I kept relenting. Fear drove me forward. And not saying “no” put me in situations where I was treading water or had to find to sacrifice myself to keep things even keeled. Although inside I wasn’t even keeled.
I was unhappy mentally and physically. I was balancing a chaotic life and trying to work with a partner who had a plan from the onset and I was going to be the vehicle to carry out that plan. But I was blind to this plan or that I was this waterbearer for her. Men from her family are beasts of burden. The female tells you how to “jump” and you don’t ask “how high” until you have already jumped in the air. Details or consequences don’t matter. Satisfy that want immediately or you will be put down, shamed, guilted or told you are beneath them.
My catalyst for change came from a doctor’s appointment. High cholesterol, high blood pressure, bad resting heart rate, out of breath, anxiety, nerves. What was the solution? Meds! Medicines and pills as much as I would allow them to prescribe me. And that is when it dawned on me. I am in the same path that my parents were in and how they functioned. I turned down the pills and wanted a second opinion.
Why would I have gotten this way? What was it? I knew sitting all day for work was bad but I tried to be active and eat good. What else? Then I heard an ad on the radio about testosterone. What the hell? Give it a shot.
I went in and had a consultation. I was advised to get blood work done. Two weeks later I got the results and talked to the doctor some more. My hormones were out of whack. Testosterone of a 90 year old man. Vitamins off. I was then prescribed treatment every two weeks.
The first month to month and a half were nothing miraculous. Then my mood changed. I felt mentally clearer. I could concentrate and work on tasks. I wanted to feel better and was motivated. I kept my appearance up. I wanted to get clothes that didn’t have holes in them. I was starting to feel like my old self. I started to respect myself.
Then as I got back in to my own skin, the projections started again. I must be up to somethinig. No compliments. No affirmations. I got new clothes after 3-4 years so I was up to something. This was a trigger to reevaluate my marriage. The nights I worked for 2 years — nothing. Staying up late to work on certifications and school — nothing. Following orders to not put kids in daycare while she worked part time and we lived in a 6,000 sq ft house — no thank yous. Get that vacation every year that she ordered we had to do — there’s a thank you. I wasn’t seeking out a thanks because I had to do what I had to do for my daughters but the spouse didn’t reciprocate.
I reevaluated and figured I cannot be unhappy anymore. I tried to air some grievances and it was me who was the issue. And that’s when I knew my worth that I felt was not being shared with the partner I was supposed to have. I was a vessel for a fantasy she wanted. So I have been going thru a gruesome 3 years of trying to end it. In the end it will be worth it.
I have goals again. I have myself again. Do this same thing for you. Don’t let an emotional parasite take away who you are. Realize your dreams and potential and go for it.
I’ll leave this great video by Dr. Ramani for you to enjoy. It captures how to free yourself from the slavery of a Cluster B
Insight of a Father in Divorce 