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A Voice to Be Heard

I’ve been quiet for too long

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Over the past 10 months, I have been seriously contemplating starting a blog documenting my course thru a divorce. I wanted to document what occurred as a simple therapeutic exercise but it now has become one of passion. The current state of affairs has gotten me to a point where I cannot be quiet any longer. I’ve held my tongue, done what I was ordered and been trying to cover myself, my children and future as best as I could.

The family court system in America is one of abuse. The children take a backseat to the gains of the legal system. Fathers are treated like 3rd class citizens. If you are successful, that success is used as a way to take you down. There is no idea of the individual but that of a collective.

I’ve slowly been educating myself on the legal rights I should have but what has been done to take them away from me. Fathers have the burden of proof to show they are parents. Instead, you have “educated” people using their experience, expertise and resources to do what is right, not just in the law but for children. I was hesitant about naming individuals but based on legal happenings and news events, I want to bring people to light. It’s time for change.

As I work on this blog, I will be generating quite a lot of posts that illustrate the way I have been treated, how my children have be left in despair, and a future left at the decision of someone in a black robe.

I want this to be a resource for other fathers out there. You aren’t alone. I’m in Florida but I see it across the country. It’s time to show that fathers, and men for that matter, are equal and not the throw away sex that we are portrayed to be in the media and legal system.

2 Years

On this day 2 years ago, I said something that was deep inside me for years to my ex-wife. These 7 words began a campaign of terror and destruction. The night was filled with dramatic acting, crying, blaming me, telling me how perfect she was and it was my fault.

What were these 7 words?

“I’m not in love with you, anymore.”

As soon as that happened, I became Enemy #1.

The next two days, the kids were taken from school and eventually taken to Georgia to her parents. Their phones were taken away. A plan was hatched to destroy me, ruin me financially. The time I did get to hear my kids, they were crying and scared. Then silence.

Then I was stuck in that silence preparing alone for a hurricane. Empty texts were sent to make it look like she cared.

Over the course of two years, I have learned that some of my feelings were legitimate. I was wading in misery thinking something was wrong with me but it turned out to be a game of manipulation. Gaslighting.

I’ve been humbled quite a few times. Not just through this process hell but also throughout my life. As a kid of divorce, I wanted to make this quick but the best for both her, my girls and me.

Seeing my daughters get upset, torn down, belittled and ignored keeps me fighting. But the court system continues it’s path of abuse towards men. Any accusations can be thrown around and lies can be told under oath. Stories of despair and theatrics are used to her advantage yet no evidence from my side has been presented.

It’s hard to comprehend the level of effort a person will go through just to destroy someone who falls out of love. But a Borderline/Narcissist will do just that. All their efforts will be directed to their satisfaction of annihilating the perceived enemy. The collateral hurt of the children is of no concern because what everyone should be worried about it how they feel and what they need. Quite a few times I was accused of trying to “make her homeless” or “not allowing her to live.” All while having a supportive relationship, all her bills are paid and living the same lifestyle while destroying the progress over 14 years and pushing me underwater.

You can be honest and not “be in love anymore” but be prepared for the actions of a person with a Personality Disorder. Lies are leverage. Kids are leverage. You are disposable. But keep fighting.

Closing out, this scene from Mrs. Doubtfire reminds me of my day in court last November. Sally Fields look when Robin Williams is forced to be a visitor to his children is telling of someone with empathy. Don’t expect that look from BPD/NPD. They’re empty.

The System is a Joke

My appeal to get the judge dismissed, a Writ of Prohibition, was sitting at a County Clerk’s office for 6.5 months. Not a week. Not a month. Over half a year.

This Writ was to try and get someone new and fair to hear my evidence. Yet the county and their insiders sat on this Writ for half a year. There’s suspicions that the judge had it blocked. My gut told me the same when the story was told to me that it sat there due to an undocumented procedure. In that time, I have spent over $165,000 in attorneys fees, support for someone who refuses to work.

I’ve exhausted all reason and logic to work with a person who is so vindictive that it’s sickening to know their perspective on life. Then you see how they act in front of others and espouse how “Christian” they are, it is excruciating and baffling. It’s a different type of mental illness.

This person has been “diagnosed” as having PTSD but refuses to take their medication. They’ve been physically and verbally abusive towards the kids. Arrested in front of the kids. Stolen things and been convicted. Yet because that person is the opposite sex and makes unsubstantiated accusations such as abuse, I get dealt a hand that would put anyone out.

I’m negative thousands every month and when I indicate this to my legal team, the response is to pay her stuff and let my stuff go behind because I have a court order. I don’t pay it, I get in to contempt and then I have to answer to the judge. This is the insanity of the system. A person who owns their own salon yet does not go to work is not obligated to work AT ALL. I am working overtime to cover the bills but then told to sell my stuff to pay her legal fees. The judge has even ordered that I cannot pay my legal fees and hers has to be taken care of first.

What am I supposed to do? Legally, the system wants you to take care of the opposing party and then drive you in to poverty. You have no rights. You are not a citizen. You are an entity and seen as money and not as a human with rights guaranteed by the Constitution.

The system is the cruelest joke and the punchline is the man trying to defend himself.

It’s Time to Fight

I’m in a few Father’s Rights social network groups. There have been a few suicides since my post back in June.

There have been father’s who had their children removed from them even after the mother gets out of jail, is convicted of misdemeanors and felonies and the father is labeled a “deadbeat” or given limited visitation.

Going thru what I am right now and being ruined financially and emotionally and having my name smeared and my future almost obliterated, it’s time to change. It’s time to take up a fight. And the fight starts by broadcasting out the players in this multi-billion dollar fraud. The judges, Guardians, lawyers and politicians need to be brought to light.

There’s little stories here and there but they’re being ignored. The men being abused by the ex (whether they were married or not) are becoming unknown footnotes to society.

I’m ready to lay myself out to get people called out. And we need to all help each other. Contact the US and state representatives. Contact news agencies. Contact Lisa Ling (who had a great CNN piece on this). Bring these crooks to open air. The people using the court system need to be shown for the abusers they are.

They espouse this is about the kids but it’s about getting even all while lining the coffers of their enablers. Time to end this.

I’ll be reaching out to my local news outlets and starting to illustrate what is going on. I’m at the bottom too long. Time to restore myself and what I am.

Update On My Situation

500 days since filing for divorce.

700 days since my children were kidnapped under the guise of leaving for a hurricane. I’ve mentioned the story before but will get in to more detail on another blog post.

The court system is an abysmal failure. Documented abuse of the children goes unanswered, financial and emotional abuse of myself continues with no end in sight.

There’s days I have bouts of depression. Sometimes I have an uplifting day especially when I’m with my daughters but then the ex will interject and it’s a step back.

Therapy has worked for me and then I’m getting back in to my work to refocus and grow myself as an example to my daughters. They still don’t understand why they cannot see me more. It’s hard to bite my tongue.

I’ve reached out numerous times to my attorneys and my ex to resolve this but they ignore emails and meetings are pointless and my ex is dragging the situation out to ruin me.

Everything that was said in court that she would do is coming true. She has ZERO intention on working together. None. I ask for my personal belongings and the few items I get are damaged or dirty and the remaining ones being held for ransom. Asking for these things, the reply is to talk to her attorney. A glaring example of what her intent is and all the legal system does is lick it’s lips in grateful anticipation of the paychecks coming to them.

I make excellent money but I am now living paycheck to paycheck. 60% of the retirement money we earned is gone. I have a debt of 50% of my salary on credit cards and liens from attorneys for the other half. Resources have gotten so depleted and it’s been mentioned to her but she gives not a single care. And the court system is allowing it to continue. I cannot afford the 100% of every cost the system has laid on to me so I am now in contempt.

The only hope I have is that at some point I get to split custody with my daughters. It’s a sad state in America when a father gets equal time with the kids he helped raise is seen as a victory. My girls plead for it almost daily but it’s being ignored by their mother and the courts. There’s a motion for them to speak to the judge as to their desires and this uneducated and unskilled judge (who was appointed by an outgoing governor) has yet to rule. That’s been 200 days since it was filed.

If you have any income or assets, be prepared to lose it. All of it. You’ve got the wrong genitals. The opposite sex can go in, say anything and put on a “woe is me” story and that’s the end of you. Your evidence and her convictions are meaningless. The fact this other person who had children with you is being asked for a divorce is abusive and its time for you to pay. And then pay more for the screwed up child support guidelines. And then it’s time to make you a visitor to your kids who on a frequent basis pays the support money so the ex can pay her credit cards and go get her nails done and drink a chai tea latte from Starbucks because it’s a hard life.

500 days and 700 days. And the abuse rolls on.

Word Salad

One thing I have learned in dealing with a person that is within the Cluster B group is that they will argue with you no matter what and have to get the last word in.  Their competitiveness is boundless even in areas where they have almost no skill.

Richard Grannon speaks to this very well.  Once you start realizing what these people do, your eyes open up.  They play that victim mentality to a “T” and get you to a place of mind-fuckery you never thought you could get to.

Once you see who they really are, you can heal.

Covert Narcissist

Guardian Ad Litem: A friend of the kids

Very rarely is this the case. As in my last post, the sexist projection that is the norm in Family Court today has got to change. Once this changes, then it’s a trickle down effect. Guardians (GALs) can’t shake this mindset. I’ve heard dozens of stories where a GAL was involved and one parent (usually the mother) was a complete mess, personality disorder, drugs, you name it but then was granted custody because the dad was working.

This is the situation I am in. The GAL in my case, is a complete sexist wreck. Mountains of evidence showing the neglect and abuse my daughters are experiencing and yet it turns a blind eye. I’m provided videos, pictures, texts, emails and this person has failed to do their job. In court, she testifies she has an interest to stay on this case because of “two young, impressionable young girls” but routinely ignores what was brought to her and can’t even spell their names correctly.

She has addressed monetary issues regularly. Filing motions for me to pay, addressing the “wife’s need for money,” and then mentioning that I’m “unwilling to pay.” The agreement to get this failure involved was to protect my kids. From the onset, it was solely a focus on my ex-wife.

After filing in March 2018, my ex-wife and I lived together for a bit in the marital home. We came with a plan based off the kids’ therapist to alternate weekends. We did this successfully. Then things got more hostile. My ex-wife spent more time with her boyfriend and there was more conflict. She stayed out of the bedroom and went in to the youngest’s room. But would stay up all hours and keep our daughter up. This went on for weeks and she wouldn’t change even after our daughter would ask her to stop.

Speaking with my therapist and knowing she had a boyfriend and then an apartment, he suggested to find a separate room and give her that room for herself. Put a bed in it and her belongings. Based on events happening to my daughters and constant neglect and conflict with them, I agreed to do this. The only room available was huge laundry room. I cleaned it out and made room for her. She generally stayed only 3 days a week if that at the marital home.

Once this was done, the GAL became involved and this was her focus against me. I was accused of minimizing the mother’s role in the family. Nothing about the domestic violence or child abuse against my daughters. Nothing about her hiding a firearm or false accusations. Nothing about previous convictions or her DUI. It was a focus on me and a bed in the infamous laundry room.

Reflecting back, was this a good idea? Maybe not. But this was done for my girls based on what was happening. I had been threatened with being destroyed and the living situations weren’t good. It was toxic for both girls.

To this day, the GAL has the same focus. Its constantly a mention of money. The entire report was a few mentions of the children yet it was about facts being glossed over but then her accusations being taken as gospel. We have had this GAL involved since Oct 2018 and there’s been no final report and a $25,000 invoice that is still growing and that I am on the hook for.

My ex-wife speaks to her almost on a regular basis but there is only limited interaction with me. I send emails and make phone calls and there are normally no responses or just a thanks and she’ll take it in to consideration.

A GAL is there for the children. That’s it. Not as a second attorney. Not as a woman’s advocate. Use the facts. Use the kids testimony to you. But that isn’t what happens. This is the 25-40 year stigma of men that is so ingrained in our society that people like this GAL can’t wrap their mind on the effects of the kids. It’s solely that the woman needs help and for some reason the man is the aggressor.

I’ve made numerous efforts to remove this sham of a GAL but it’s taken thousands of dollars so far and there is no urgency by the judge. The system is corrupt and sexist.

My next goal outside of judicial reform is reform for the GAL system. This pervasive mindset thru all aspects of a dissolution has to be gutted and made to fit how society evolves over time.

The Kids Should Be the Focus

One thing I have learned thru the court system is that timesharing generally takes a backseat. Every conference with my lawyers or when discussing issues in the judge’s chambers ends up about being a monetary issue for my ex-wife.

The issue I have is that unless there is a mental or physical issue that keeps a person from working, then the kids should be the focus. The access to the parents, ability to participate in activities and interactions they had before a separation occurred should be the same after a filing.

Florida starts out the proceeding with spousal support to the under-earning spouse rather than focusing on the support for the kids. This is where the court system is still falling behind. They talk a good game about mediation, taking a parenting class and working together but the money issue is front and center. If you remove that, place the kids needs first, all that falls to the wayside.

38 states so far have passed laws making shared parenting (50/50) standard. There’s ambiguous laws in other states but these 38 states define it as exclusively as 50/50 unless there’s abuse, neglect, incest or criminal convictions. If there’s a disparity between incomes, negotiate costs for upbringing the kids and the issue is settled.

The problem is that there’s a 25-40 year old way of thinking about mostly females and their support needs. Depending on the industry, there’s around 51-53% overall female employment compared to male. Certain industries it’s higher male and others its drastically female. Employment isn’t an issue. If you then look at average wage based on US Census Bureau numbers, the median income nationwide is $61,000 per year. This number will vary by state and metropolitan area but this is an average a lot of states use. From there, then support could be discussed.

However with the archaic way of thinking and the drive of the feminist movement, absolute parity has to be forced. A forced outcome compared to allowing opportunities. While this happens, the kids are on the side waiting for things to settle. This is what keeps divorces with high-conflict individuals going for so long.

Now for the studies. As I stated, states are stuck in the past but some are catching up. Studies show that kids benefit greatly from the shared parental resources. It also mitigates a lot of issues.

Some interesting findings can be found online with a quick search but I’ve gathered some here:

https://ifstudies.org/blog/10-surprising-findings-on-shared-parenting-after-divorce-or-separation

So in all the studies, regardless of conflict levels, children benefit better with joint custody scenarios with the parents rather than one parent being the primary. Study after study after study shows that what lawyers, judges and most mothers think is best for the kids is WRONG! Kids benefit from both parents in their lives.

Here’s another link of some material that links to additional information and studies: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/benefits-of-shared-custody/

This is where the change needs to come. Focus on the kids, their development and best outcome and the rest of the issues are minimized. Give one parent the leverage of the kids, the rest is setup to be a constant and litigious battle.

The Study on Actual Child Support

Here’s the study that accurately illustrates the correct method for determining a child support award. The Income Equivalency Method or USDA Method over-calculates the support needs from 300-400%!! The IE Method doesn’t even consider single parent households.

http://www.divorcecorp.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/The-Economic-Cost-of-Raising-Children_William-Comanor.pdf